Music and Grief

This morning as I walked home from the Yoga studio, something so simple as a snow covered dog statue opened up the space where my grief lives. There was that heavy hearted sorrow that I've grown acquainted with over years of loss, most recently being the death of my sister in a house fire this summer. 

While there is some unhealthy programming I have around being with (or not being with) the tenderness of pain, there's also music.

On the day I found out my little sister was gone from this world I needed music like I never have before. There was such a trembling nausea that overtook me. When it was time to leave our mountain host's home I curled up in the back of the camper van and put Krishna Das on. He sings mantras as a form of devotion; they help to quiet the mind and serve to connect the one chanting or listening to that greater whole that we're a part of. I don't believe that anything or anyone is lost, but I couldn't find a sense of where my sister's spirit was. I just needed to let go into those waves of Divine Love. I listened for a long time; the nausea had quieted behind the music. But when I turned the music off, when I stopped focusing on those mantras and what they represent, the sickness could no longer be held at bay. 

Today when I was riding another wave of grief, I opened to song and the power it has to channel and express feelings that are too strong for words. I sang my way across bridges and into the library. I found my friend and roommate, who was also in the midst of a mournful morning. We would not have had the experience of connecting with each other in such a raw and true way if we hadn't been feeling the sadness that comes from endings. 

Today there was a school shooting in connecticut leaving 27 dead, 18 of them children. My prayers, the love flowing through this heart and these songs are with those now gone and all those left behind. 

Feeling connected to others isn't always pleasant or easy, but the richness of using grief as a doorway for compassion is convincing me it's worth it. Here's some Krishna Das to listen to as you let your heart swell as wide as the world.